Moving On From IVF

It's been a tough year and one I care not to repeat.  I've been lax in writing to my blog, but felt with 2010 drawing to an end it was time to post an update.

After the ectopic episode, Hubbs and I jumped straight back into IVF and had 8 frozen embies thawed.  Our hopes were high to transfer 4 of the best ones as we knew this was the last time we planned to go through an IVF treatment.  Many reasons brought us to this decision.  In part it was financial, but mainly I was done with being an emotional wreck, keeping our hopes up and life on hold, and may it be said, it is no fun being a living pin cushion!

The FET process was much smoother and easier on me than the fresh cycle.  No Menopurevil and no painful egg retrieval.  Sadly out of the 8 embies, most failed to grow and we ended up with 3 poor grade morulas at Day 6!  Still there was a chance one might take and so we went for it with all our fingers and toes crossed.  The dreaded 2ww over Christmas came and went.  Then the day of the Beta test.  Last time we were both pretty optimistic..and it was a crushing blow when we got the BFN.  This time we prepared for the worst.  It made it easier when we got the results and once again, it was a BFN.  I surprised myself at how together and composed I felt shortly after...but later that day I had a good weep.  I think I was mourning...mourning that even though I am a woman, this body of mine is unlikely to ever know what it feels like to grow a child inside of me, to experience the joys and lets face it the pain of childbirth.  I may never look upon my child's face and see myself and my Hubbs reflected back.  These things I may never experience and for this, I weep.

So why give up you may ask?  There comes a time in your heart when you know you are done, when it almost becomes a relief to say it's time to move on.  This happens at different times for all of us and I think it's a very personal decision.  For those who continue to keep trying, I have nothing but admiration for you and will continue to wish you all the best.  No one deserves to go through the disappointment and emotional rollercoaster of not only TTC but actually getting far enough to have a healthy baby.  I think a little piece of me will always live in the hope that somehow, someway, nature will find a way to bring a successful pregnancy into our lives.  But I can't live everyday clinging desperately to that hope...because at the moment it feels like I've been holding on too tightly, strangling it, suffocating hope and myself, and that just isn't a healthy way to live.  So we are moving on.

We will be contacting our local DSHS and opening our home to a foster child.  I won't lie it's a scary path filled with lots of unknowns and probably more heartache, but for some reason it feels like the right thing to do.  Maybe through this experience we'll find a forever child, one that makes me say what I've heard many adopted parents say...."We are glad we couldn't have a biological child as we would never have known the joy of our adopted son/daughter."  I would like to think that could be us one day.  It fills me with a new sense of hope, a healthier one hopefully, and one that no matter the outcome, brings much more to our lives than we ever could have imagined, or dare I say, hoped for!

Here's to 2011 and lots of new beginnings for each and every one of us!

A Dark Mass

Wow, so much has happened since my last blog.  Where do I start?

Let's see...we were waiting for hcg levels to drop to zero...oh that's right! 

This time early last week I started complaining of lower abdomen pains again.  Nothing major, just tweaks and pulls.  The wilderness hike didn't help and so I took it easy but after I felt really tired.  Oh and did I mention that sex was unbearable, I mean no position, nothing was without severe pain so we had to give up.  Hubbs was NOT a happy bunny. 

By about Wednesday morning I was just not feeling quite right and the niggling abdomen pains were still there so with a nudge from the Hubbs I made an appointment at my Ob Gyn.  Arrived, she poked around and was satisfied that my cervix seemed ok, but as a precaution she advised another hcg test and an ultrasound just to see if this time we could see anything.  Had to return that afternoon. 

Hubbs agreed to get time off and come to the afternoon appointment as our last ultrasound was not exactly the joyous occasion we had been hoping for so off we went.  The ultrasound tech was super nice, telling us how sad it was that couples like us weren't having any luck while she got to see tons of white-trash girls coming in pregnant and asking when they likely conceived because they aren't sure who the Father is.  Major sigh, yeah we know, life is just not fair!  She said I had beautiful insides (errr...what!) and we should wait for the doctor to go over the results. 

We were in the waiting room for about 20 minutes.  The TV aired a show detailing adopted kids 20 years on...and it felt like one of those signs again.  Ok I get it, if this baby making lark doesn't pan out I promise we'll get serious about fostering to adopt.  I fought back the tears watching the parents on the TV greet their adopted babies. How my heart yearns for a child, biologically mine or not.  I just wanna be a Mum. 

Doctor arrives and takes us aside.  They found something.  A dark mass.  Oh but the good news, my hcg levels are down to 370.

Not long after that I was taken to the Same Day Surgery at the hospital and registered for a laparoscopy that very evening.  Thank god my Hubbs was at my side.  Another 20 minutes and I was undressed, robed up and had an IV drip ready for the operation.  I was stunned, lying there thinking this was just supposed to be a check up at the OB Gyn...how did I end up here?

I woke up in the hospital at about 9:20pm.  I'd been in the operating room for about an hour and a half where they found an ectopic behind my left ovary, about 3cm long.  The left tube was damaged so they removed it.  Apparently I was incredibly lucky nothing had ruptured; one of my blood vessels was really swollen.  They also found a large lesion and several smaller ones which they suspect is Endometriosis.  They removed the lesion for biopsy (waiting for results) and burned the others.

So what started out today as a check up for some mild pains ended up in an operation and the removal of my left ovarian tube.  Oh and I might have Endometriosis.  Great!

Waiting for the magic number zero

Not much to report on, except that my hcg test result today is 5784. 

Yes it is still declining but is it me or does it seem painfully slow to flush out?  I mean, I have had nothing much miscarrying for the last couple of days so why oh why can't the hcg just stop doing its thing.  

On the bright side, it is still declining.  Finger's-crossed I think I'm through the scare.  Honestly, I am still not sure there really was an ectopic. 

Anyhoo, at this rate just a couple more weeks and I should be back to zero and the drawing board again.  Another 2ww but this time to confirm there is NO pregnancy...oh the irony.  But I will  be doing the happy dance when I reach ZERO.  And perhaps a Margarita to celebrate :)

I wonder when a natural AF will kick in, perhaps after the hcg flat-lines?  Please just be a normal period, I'm tired of being an exception.  I'm not kidding, I would happily settle for being just an average joe with predictable outcomes.  So no overachieving do you hear me body, just go with the flow next time...literally!

It's a Miscarriage!

So the weekend didn't bring agonizing pains and a rush to the ER, thankfully.  It did bring the onset of bleeding so it looks like nature is taking its course.  I have shed my tears and am now just hoping the miscarriage does its thing and we can avoid the facing the worst of the ectopic.

It's so funny how your perspective on things can change given certain circumstances.  Never did I think I would be happy to see signs of a miscarriage, be longing for zero on my hcg levels and looking forward to a normal AF cycle.  Now, throw an ectopic in the mix and the threat of methotrexate or a laparoscopy and well you get the idea, I'd take miscarriage over that any day.  It's come to this, a viable pregnancy isn't even on the books, just the choice between the worse case scenario and the other not so worse case scenario. 

Today's hcg results are promising; they are down to 9,000.  How strange to be relieved to see declining hcg levels.  Quite the change of attitude from where we were at the start of last week when we got our first positive blood test and were thrilled at the high numbers.  Such is life, or lack thereof in this case :(

Doc still talked about Methotrexate or Laparoscopy if the numbers don't continue to decline but I told her that for me Metho was not an option I even wanted to consider.  So I wait a week, take another hcg test and keep my finger's crossed that the numbers plummet. 

Why is it that in the TTC journey it always feel like a waiting game.  There is always something you have to sit and wait around for, AF cycle, Egg-white cm, mature follies, the awful 2ww, and so it goes on.  Now are in the "let's get our hcg levels to zero" waiting game, which will be followed by "let's have a normal period" waiting game, and then hopefully we can start another  with the "let's thaw some eggs, stick them in the oven and see if they cook properly" waiting game.

I just hope we win this game in the end.  I guess we'll have to WAIT and see.

Is it a girl, is it a boy, no it is an ectopic

Today's HCG results are already back in from the clinic.  The numbers are 12, 200 so at least it is going down but still a little higher than they like.  The docs have consulted and suspect an ectopic, but as the HCG levels have gone down a little they are hopeful that my body is getting rid of it naturally.  Sounds cold, but you know, I need to detach from it, whatever it was, and move on.  The docs said that they still have no idea where the little sucker is, scary huh. 

Anyways, the plan is to get through the weekend and go to ER if I have any pain, just to be on the safe side.  Otherwise, another HCG test on Monday and they may try methotrexate to help get it out of there, or worse case, it's a laparoscopy. 

Good times....(said with a large dose of Sarcasm).

You know, adoption really is looking good right now...that or a nice Harley ;)

Next stop for me...*MARGARITAVILLE*

Knife wedged in and twisted

So our glorious plan was for me to visit my bro, giving time off from TTC and then get back in the saddle when I returned and start my next cycle.  Well those frozen embies will now wait on ice a little longer.

In an ideal world this post would be my big, happy announcement to say that I'm finally pregnant.  Hmmm, where does this mythical ideal world exist!?! 

I returned from the visit to see my family and figured it should be just a couple of days then I'll be on Day 1 and can call the fertility clinic to start our FET cycle. 

At this point, it's worth mentioning that my last period was odd, really odd!  I bled for 3 more days than usual and then had about 10 days of spotting to follow.  WTF!?!  Oh well, I put it down to the stress of the visit and my body still adjusting after the IVF cycle. 

So back to this week, Day 30 hits and still no period...strange, I usually have periods every 26 days or so.  Time to POAS.  Result = a BFP....woohoo :)  Then my thoughts turn to "oh crap", what about all that booze I drank with my family, after all Hubbs was back at home so there was no chance of me being preggers that month...or so I thought.  Day 31 and another POAS with a BFP.  Now it was time to get excited, a little.  Day 32 was a visit to the doc and a blood test which revealed HCG levels of 14,632...holy moly, that makes it about 6-7 weeks along.  At last, some good news...or so I thought.

Today, Day 35 and this was the first of our ultrasound visits.  Hubbs was getting all excited but I kept asking him to calm down, that I couldn't get excited until I saw our little bumble with my own eyes.  The Ultrasound tech tried an abdominal scan and hunted around, nothing!  Ok, maybe it's earlier than we thought, so she tried a trans-vaginal scan, still nothing, nada, zip!!  Time to bring in the doctor.  Doc arrives and says he is at a loss to know what is going on.  Nothing adds up or makes sense.  His best guess is a chemical pregnancy or perhaps on further investigation that little blob in my uterus is an empty sac waiting to discharge.  Worse, maybe I am having an ectopic pregnancy; the HCG numbers taken so recently don't seem to make sense, he says.

Really....I mean, REALLY!?!

So now I sit here waiting to find out the results of the HCG test taken earlier today to see if the numbers have plummeted or are still high.  In other words, now I want to hear low HCG numbers, now I want AF to knock on the door really loudly and I'll welcome her in with open arms.  Yes, I want AF more than ever.

I don't remember ever saying that I liked rollercoasters so why am I on the longest, most unpredictable, scariest one ever built.  It's ok, really, I'd like to get off now and leave the fairground.  No, not even a candy cane or ice-cream can tempt me to stay.  I want off, NOW!

So let's hope the numbers are low and AF shows up soon.  Much better than the prospect of a laparoscopy, much much better.  Fingers-crossed xx

   

Back Home Again

Well it sure has been a long time since I wrote an update.  Sorry for disappearing like that but I didn't even want to think about blogging after my BFN.  I just needed time to heal from the emotional wounds.

Since that last blog I have taken an extended trip to see my brother, so I could spend some quality time with him.  It was good to see him using humor as a coping mechanism.  He made jokes about funeral directors calling to arrange a suitable date, and wore a t-shirt that says, "What's the Worst that can Happen?".  Morbid...maybe so, but you know, it is totally in keeping with our family's warped sense of humor.  And it sure beats moping around and a "woe is me" pity party, which I was guilty of after my 1st IVF treatment failed.  So kudos to my brother for having a great attitude in spite of the horrible crap that is ahead of him.  Seeing him, it's hard to believe just how bad his cancer is, as he looks pretty good health-wise.  At times you could tell he was in a lot of pain, but my big bro always tried to hide it.  He's a brave man.  But the facts are there and the word "terminal" isn't going away.  The bright side is that he has achieved a lot in his life; he is a loving Dad and a good, faithful husband - all the things that really matter!  Yep, I really enjoyed spending time with him and his family, helping out in the garden and just hanging out, hopefully being a distraction from his illness.  I also got to spend some quality time with my sister.  We haven't always been that close but this trip changed that.  She has become such a good friend and we were able to share so many deep conversations, especially during our long walks "home" after visits with my brother.  This trip was about building good memories to last a lifetime, I'm happy to report that was a mission accomplished.

The hardest part of the trip was being away from my Hubbs for so long.  Work commitments had him holding down the fort at home.  It was the longest we have ever been away from each other but thanks to the wonders of the internet we were able to keep in touch daily via email and Skype.  Gotta love technology, but gotta admit, I love Hubbs more :D

So I'm finally back in my home sweet home with my nearest and dearest.  I promise I will be writing again soon, as I have more news to share... ... ...

Life Sucks!

You can probably guess already that our Beta results came back with a BFFN (Big Fat Fucking Negative)!

I am so angry at life right now!  Seriously, it all feels like some sick, cruel joke.   

Tonight, I will be drowning my sorrows with several Margaritas, tons of cheese and anything else high fat and totally unhealthy.  After that, who knows.  I need time to heal from yet another disappointment on this IF journey.  We have 11 embryos on ice, so maybe we will try again.  But right now, I almost wish they weren't there so I could just close the chapter on TTC once and for all.  I'm really sick of spending my life hoping, wishing, being pumped full of hormones and looking for positive signs and symptoms.  I want to enjoy life again for each day that it brings, and not live on this constant roller-coaster.

I think I'll plan the trip to see my brother and spend some time with him as he deals with his lot in life.  Compared to his problems mine are totally insignificant, I mean, it's not like I am dying from IF.  Well maybe a little of my heart dies each time we get let down...but it's nothing like cancer.

And you know what, I have my Hubbs.  My dear, wonderful, loving Hubbs who is the best rock a girl could have in times like these.  Today marks seven years from the day we first met.  I will shed my tears and then go out with the love of my life, and try to put off worrying about the stupidity and cruelty of IF for another day. 

This 2ww really bites!

Lately, I've read some really sad results from fellow bloggers after their Beta tests.  My heart really goes out to them.  *Hugs*

I don't have much to report on during the second week of my 2ww.  Really it's been about just trying to pass the time.  I've been a good girl and not done a POAS or taken my basal temp.  I don't want to feed myself with false positive or false negative vibes before the beta test.  Besides, Hubbs has been strict about not letting me psyche myself out one way or another.   Damn him and his self-control!


Some days I have felt optimistic and other days, well honestly I have just been planning for the worst.  Much of my optimism or negativity really depends on what symptoms, or lack thereof, I have had at the time.  Today is a better day as I feel nauseous...I'd say I'm about 70% positive of a good outcome.  Tomorrow, oh I'll probably have no nausea and be back down to around 40% or less.  I feel like a human yo-yo! 

In other news, I am currently suffering from about 6-7 nasty mosquito bites.  The pesky bugs are out in force this year because of way too much rain and a sudden hot spell.  I am allergic to the bites so suffer horrible swelling around the bite site.  I feel like I have anthills all over my body - how nice!  Just in case one or more of my bumbles is actually sticking around, I did some internet research to find out what pregnant women can use to ease the itching, and also to repel the little flying bloodsuckers from landing in the first place.  Deet proved to be questionable, so I decided to try Calamine lotion and a Benadryl cream.  Tried the Benadryl first, not bad, but it seemed like the Calamine might be safer so have decided to stick with that instead.  I also found a natural ingredient, kid-friendly spray to put on before our evening jaunts in the suburban jungle and only got one little new bite instead of the swarm that attacked the night before.  It had seemed like a great idea to take the shot at 7:30pm and walk the dogs after to reduce lumpy bottom syndrome and give us all some exercise.  Not so much now!  It has turned in to a ritual of bending over the bed for the obligatory shot in the butt, then donning long pants, long sleeves and spraying myself in a sticky, oily repellent.  And yes, it IS repellent!!  During the walk I can't fully relax as I am constantly fending off the persistent mosquitoes who fly around me trying to find a fresh piece of skin to bite.  Poor dogs barely have time to squat and squeeze before we are hurrying them to move along.  Then, back at home, straight into the shower to wash off the sweat from the excess of clothing in 90 degree heat and the oily residue from the messy insect repellent.

Seriously, I'm starting to think that a lumpy bottom might not be so bad after all!

Nightmares of a 2ww

I really need to get a new head!  One that doesn't dwell on stuff and scare the crap outta me or my bumbles.  

For the last couple of nights I've been suffering from what I call 2ww nightmares.  The first was a bizarre dream that had me performing in a Prince video and it was really turning me on (Prince in a sexual dream, I told you it was a nightmare!!).  Anyway I woke myself up in a panic as we had strict instructions for me not to orgasm during the 2ww.  When I awoke I had strong cramps.  Nooooo! 

Another nightmare involved me waking up to find blood all over my pajamas.  Charming!!
  
And last night, I dreamt I had to go to the doctor (not my usual one) and when I told him I'd just had IVF he said outright..."you know they'll all die don't you".  I was stunned at first, and then got really really angry.  I yelled back at him, "How dare you say that, I have hope, you don't know what you are talking about!".

Holy shit, what is my mind trying to do to me and my little bumbles?  Am I that messed up in the head (you don't have to answer that!)?  And there was me thinking I was being positive about this IVF cycle. Hmm, I guess my subconscious is out to try and prove me wrong.  Anyone else experiencing nightmares or had this happen during the 2ww?

On the positive side of things, I've got tender boobies.  I've read that can just be a side effect of progesterone but still, it might not be. I've also been up every night peeing which doesn't usually happen very often, and during the day we are having to visit every store bathroom when out & about.  Isn't it a bit early to be having a weak bladder?  On top of that I've been having mild cramps and twinges.  Nothing major other than that one night after the Prince video.  Note to self, the bumbles aren't digging Prince!

So despite my silly nightmares I'm trying to focus on staying positive during this cruel 2ww.  I know that the signs might not be attributed to the bumbles snuggling in and calling my belly home for the next 9 months, but I'm still holding out hope.  In the end, what will be will be, and we'll find out on July 12 if the signs were all pointing in the right direction.

In the meantime, a restful night's sleep is on order!  

Husband's Perspective - 06/27/10 – Old McDonald gave some shots, P I, PIO!

The first PIO shot this evening was an entertaining experience. Wifey’s backside was marked up by the nurses, and after icing up, she was bent over the side of the bed to give me a clear target. I extracted the PIO shot from the vial, and changed to the smaller needle for the shot – Wifey tells me that this part is very important. So I’m getting ready to administer the shot, and start by wiping with the alcohol swab. Wifey then gets up and starts pacing around the room, almost hyperventilating, telling me how scared she is of this shot as she has read so many horror stories on the web. Curse you, internet! Finally, after about 15 minutes of agonizing over the expected outcome, she assumes the position, and the shot is done before she knows it. The needle looks long (1.5 inches) but slides in nicely. The sesame oil is not too heavy, so the shot pumps in without a lot of effort. And it doesn’t sting like the Menopur, which is a bonus. I just hope we don’t have the 15-minute prelude every night! Decided to take the dogs for a long walk after the shot, which seems to help Wifey, as there is no stiffness in the backside afterwards.

Only Time

Today has not been a good day!  I got a call from my Mom, and found out some really sad, heartbreaking news about my big brother.  He has cancer which has spread to his liver, kidneys and possibly his lungs.  The prospects are not good and they don't know how long he has.  I tried to keep calm when Mom was telling me over the phone but couldn't keep it together and lost it.  As I was sobbing into the couch I kept thinking about my bumbles and trying to calm down but the sorrow over my brother was just too strong.  It may sound silly but after the call I kept apologizing to my bumbles and saying I would try and take good care of them, but to please hang in there.  Then I'd lose it again, breaking down and getting upset.  So much for staying stress-free! 

My family don't know that we are trying IVF and this is certainly not the time to tell them.  We planned to say something when we have good news, so we would avoid constant questions along the way.  Well now I'm worried about the days ahead.  Will my brother make it?  If I do get pregnant, how will I cope with the long flight (my family live overseas) and stress of seeing my brother knowing he may not be with us long, and then....oh, I can't go there...this is so unfair!  Sorry, didn't mean to drag you into all of this.  Sadly it is a part of my life right now and one I must deal with, and let's face it there is NEVER a good time for this kind of news.  Is it selfish of me to feel torn between wanting to be with my brother and wanting to stay here and protect my bumbles as they try and grow?  I don't know what to think.  I guess as it's early days, for now we'll do the 2 week wait and see what the results are from the pregnancy test.  Then we can figure out how we manage keeping me as stress free as possible while still being there for my brother as he deals with this horrible disease. 

Lately a song keeps coming to mind, Enya's - Only Time:

Who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time
And who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
Who can say
why your heart sighs
as your love flies
only time
And who can say
why your heart cries
when your love lies
only time

Who can say
when the roads meet
that love might be
in your heart
And who can say
when the day sleeps
if the night keeps
all your heart

Night keeps all your heart

Who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
And who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time

Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time

It's a sign!

Last I left off we were waiting to find out the progress of our bumbles after egg retrieval.  On Saturday we heard from the Doc who said that out of the 20 retrieved, 17 were mature and 14 fertilized.  We were thrilled with this news!

Sunday was the first of my Progesterone shots.  Boy, did I act like a 5 year old in the minutes leading up to the injection.  Seriously, I was half-crying, half-laughing hysterically and running around the room trying to avoid having to "assume the position".  We had planned to do the shots at 7pm but after my dramatics prior to the shot, it actually ended up being 7:30pm before I finally quit being a petulant 5 yr-old and let Hubbs administer the shot.  All in all, it wasn't half as bad as I expected it to be.  It ended up hurting less than the Menopur shots which stung every time.  Ok, so it did feel like Hubbs had punched me in the butt, but being prone to easily bruising I can handle a dull aching sensation; stings - not so much!  After the shot we took the dogs for a walk as I'd read somewhere that walking can help move the progesterone around to avoid lumpy bottom syndrome.  Well the dogs needed walking anyway and it felt good to stretch my legs after my temper tantrum earlier.  As we were on our walk, we looked up in the sky and saw a ....wait for it....STORK.  No kidding!  We both grinned from ear to ear thinking this was a good sign, especially the night before Transfer.

Monday morning there was no call from the clinic to cancel so we went in for BT...Bumble Transfer.  Waiting in reception was my acupuncturist all ready to help me get relaxed before the procedure.   After some time we finally got set up in the procedure room and Acupuncturist started work on making me feel nice and relaxed.  This would have been an easier task if I hadn't had an overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom.  Now fair enough, me having a full bladder was necessary for the procedure but it sure made the relaxing process hard work.  Then folks started gathering in preparation for the transfer so acupuncturist de-needled me, and went to get Hubbs who had been catching up with work on his laptop in a quiet area of the lobby.  Hubbs arrived and the Doc went over our results.  Of the 14 that fertilized over the weekend, we still had a healthy batch of 14!!  Woohoo, those little fighters are hanging in there :)  Doc showed us their cell splits and grades which was a little overwhelming but overall looked great.  Then it was time to lie back, try not to pee all over the place, and welcome 3 of my "babies" home.  The other 11 packed their bags ready for an extended trip to Iceland.  The transfer went smoothly and we watched them settle in to their new digs.  I asked if we got pictures of them as cells but sadly they don't do that at our clinic so instead the Doc took a pic of the ultrasound with the 3 of them saying cheese at the camera.  After the transfer, I had another hour of acupuncture, by which point I was literally busting to go to the bathroom, but like a good Mom, put my babies first and lay back to rest until the acupuncture was over.  Then, ah, blissful relief!  Hey I did warn you that I was taught to share ;)  Oh, and another one of those good signs arrived as the nurse asked us to come back in on 7/12 for our blood pregnancy test.  That date is exactly 7 years since the day Hubbs and I first met in person.  Loving these positive vibes :)

When I got home I took it really easy, spending most of the day on the couch watching mindless shows, and cuddling my belly while talking away to the bumbles.

Husband's Perspective - 06/25/10 – Is it better to give than to retrieve?

Early start this morning- up at 5:30am for our 7:30am check in at the clinic. Or should I say, for Wifey to check in for retrieval. My part wasn’t scheduled until 9am, so I had 90 minutes to kill. I took out my laptop, connected to the free wifi provided by the clinic, and started working on some reports. Then I realized that I was cooking my swimmers between the heat of the laptop and the warm surface of the chair. So I spent over an hour perched on the edge of the chair, with my laptop perched on my knees – about as far from my tackle as I could manage. After a very long wait, I was finally escorted to a small room to do my business. The room was clean, with dimmable lighting and a hatch in the corner in which to place my little cup of love. Not the most comfortable of environments, with two hard plastic chairs and a sink, under which was a stash of “materials” as the nurse called them. I took a quick peek out of curiosity – a small pile of well thumbed Playboy and Penthouse magazines, with torn covers and stuck together pages – ewww! Luckily I didn’t need any of their assistance, as I had something much nicer to get me in the mood. 10 minutes later and I was done and deposited – go for it my little swimmers! Last one to the egg is a sissy!

Husband's Perspective - 06/24/10 – Enema Of The State

We haven’t quite managed to figure out why Wifey needed an enema on the night before retrieval. Possible reasons included:

1 – Nothing else was going on today – no shots or other meds – so it gave us something to do

2 – The doctor is a masochist

I’m sure there is a valid reason lurking out there, but we haven’t found it yet! This was the first time for both of us, and I must say that there is something very appealing about squeezing a small plastic bottle of fluid into your wife’s rectum as she kneels on the bathroom floor with her head on the ground and her ass in the air. I could get used to doing these!

Husband's Perspective - 06/23/10 – Next Stop...Ovidrel

It looks like we have a good collection of follicles to work with, so the Doc gave us the signal to stop all of the stimulation meds and take the Ovidrel challenge. The package for the Ovidrel shot looks identical to the Ganirelix shot, so the Ovidrel challenge is to see if Wifey can tell the difference between them. And she could – the Ovidrel went in smoothly, and didn’t cause the itchy reaction that we saw with the Ganirelix. Wifey is also very pleased to be done with the Menopur (or Menopurehell), but I have a few spare vials left over just in case she ever wants to relive the burning sensation of that shot …

So now we have a few idle days while we wait for retrieval on Friday. After two weeks of doing shots twice a day (oh, that takes me to a whole other place!) we are done with the meds for now. PIO shots start on Sunday – I have that date circled on the calendar, but I’m not sure that Wifey is as keen as me about this one.

Eggs Sunny Side Up

Last night was an interesting experience with the enema!  I'll spare you all the gory details but the process was funny as hell.  At one point I thought I'd loose it before the specified time was up as Hubbs kept making me laugh.  I must admit, the sight of me with my butt in the air on the bathroom floor must have been priceless.  And if you knew my Hubbs, you'd know what kinda jokes and comments ensued as soon as he starting inserting that fluid in the you-know-where. 


Didn't get much sleep last night...I was worried not only about the retrieval but also about how I would cope with an early morning and no fluids or food.  Come on, I NEED my breakfast just to feel human!  So I ate a large dinner last night, snacked and then sipped on water until just before midnight; the designated cutoff time.

Got up early this morning and after avoiding Hubbs as much as I could while he ate his breakfast, we hit the morning commute to get to the clinic.  Arrived nice and early and it wasn't long before I was chatting with the anesthesiologist.  Hell of a nice guy, just as well seeing as I was putting my life in his hands, so to speak.  While getting prepped I had them laughing as I told them that Hubbs and I had been trying to decide whether we should order our eggs over-easy or sunny-side up.  We decided on sunny-side up :)

The anesthesiologist said he was ready to give me my Mimosa's but I asked if he could make it a Margarita instead...and he obliged...such a nice man ;)  Within minutes I felt the room start to sway, or was that the palm trees I was picturing as I heard the waves crash upon the beach. Man, these drugs are good!!  I was warned I would have amnesia and wasn't surprised as any good drinking binge will produce the same effect.  Just was hoping for no hangover afterwards.

After heading back to the beach hut I realized that I was suddenly joined by a nurse and some doctor's.  What a messed up fantasy this was turning out to be!  Wait, I have how many eggs??  I'm still shocked and surprised that after being told 3 days ago that it looked like I only had about  7 follies at a good size, that from within the deeper regions of my innards they manage to dig up a total of 20 treasure chests.  20 eggs retrieved...who knew!  Everyone seemed pleased but I was still coming around and couldn't be sure if this was the effects of the Margarita still wearing off.

I had to stay put for a while after they unplugged me.  I wasn't expecting the pain in my lower abdomen and lower back to be quite that bad.  I do have a low pain threshold and figured it was just me being a big baby but they were as sweet as can be and the nurse stayed with me as I plucked up the courage to sit up and get dressed.   As Hubbs was about to begin his fantasy in another room they found me a quiet area to rest while he watched me cavort and frolic around on his iPhone.  Wished I felt that sexy at the time, but instead I just wanted to go home and go to bed, for all the wrong reasons.  Hubbs eventually emerged with a big grin on his face, and helped me get up and walk to the car.  He's such a sweetheart.  Really, this process, no matter how it turns out, has brought us even closer and I still can't believe that this wonderful man is my Husband.  I really really hope that I can have his child!

So I am now lying in bed still in a wee bit of pain and quite bloated but it's getting easier.  The heat pad has really helped.  Was famished at lunch and ate a bowl of soup and toast, all delivered to me by my personal waiter, Hubbs.  Such wonderful service!

I just got the phone call from the clinic with our scheduled time for transfer; Monday at 11am.  We'll know more tomorrow when the doctor calls with an update on how our little frogspawn are doing.  Finger's crossed :)

Husband's Perspective - 06/21/10 – Destroy Planet Ganirelix!

Darth Wifey wasn’t impressed with Ganirelix, and has ordered the Death Star to vaporize the planet. 


The shot went smoothly, but about an hour later she developed a rash around the impact site, and it started to itch like crazy. Good job we only have two more left to do!

Husband's Perspective - 06/20/10 – Approaching Planet Ganirelix

The Follistim and Menopur shots are going very smoothly – we are in a good routine with the timetable, and the mixing of the Menopur shots no longer phases me. So today we introduce the Ganirelix shot, which sounds like an alien planet from Star Wars. Luckily this one is a self-contained, pre-mixed syringe, so I just have to pull it from the packaging and administer the shot. The needle looks to be the same size as the Menopur shot, and the amount of looks to be about the same. Wifey decided to have the Menopur on the left side of the abdomen and the Ganirelix on the right side, and the shot went without a hitch. She has been complaining of discomfort with the Menopur shot, so it looks like it is the Menopur itself, rather than the needle, as the Ganirelix seems to be the same size and volume. Our sharps container is now looking pretty full, so Wifey will need to pick up a new one when she gets another round of meds tomorrow. We have 2 Follistim shots left in the last cartridge, one round of Menopur and two Ganirelix. We anticipate retrieval towards the end of the week so will need plenty more shots between now and then.

Inflated Follies & the Porn Star

Last night was my first shot of Ganirelix.  My skin did NOT like this shot and I instantly had a weird little rash around the point of injection, with a tingly sensation.  Thankfully, this reaction died down after about an hour and all I was left with was another little bruise to add to my collection!  The shiner from the 1st Menopur injection is still glowing neon. 

Today at my ultrasound we learned that I have about 10 good sized follies (wishing it was more) with a few tiddlers trying to catch up in size.  Seriously, no wonder my stomach feels bloated, those things look like friggin misshapen hot air balloons on the screen!    I have another appointment on Wednesday morning and if everything is still on course, then the plan is for retrieval this Friday.

After my u/s and blood draw appointment I had to pick up some more meds to get me through until Wednesday.  Another few hundred on my card, just like that!  And for things that sting...why oh why can't I drop this money on a nice long weekend away.  Oh that's right, I can't get pregnant...crap.  Why can't my body be as frugal as me and get up the duff the cheap and painless way.  Get with the program!

I also went for another session of acupuncture today.  I've been having very vivid dreams since starting all the IVF Meds and waking up exhausted as though I haven't slept at all.  Nothing specific in the dreams that springs to mind, but I sure could use a restful night's sleep for a change.  I told my acupuncturist and she put some extra needles in my hands to "cool my heart".  No idea how this is supposed to help but as I feel so amazingly blissful after each session, I'll take her word for it, what do I know!

Oh and I have two things playing on my mind as we progress, wait, three things:

1. Will we get the grand prize at the end of this raffle?
2. Just how painful are those PIO injections...and can't I just swallow something instead? At this point, I can almost hear my Hubbs saying, "I have just the thing...!"  
3. Please little oocytes, grow in time for transfer next Monday and not next Wednesday.  At my age I have few pleasures in life, but Robert Pattinson is one of them (second to my husband of course).  We have tickets to see Eclipse next Wednesday morning and I really really really want to see it then.  Ok ok, I'll forgo this indulgence if it means I can have my little Bumble safely home to roost at the right time, but, if you can manage to make it Monday instead....there is a trip to Disneyland in it for you ;)

And lastly, it's official!  I am a Porn Star.  It's come to this...excuse the pun.  Hubbs and I discussed his part in this, and we agreed that somehow it just didn't seem right that he would be ogling at another woman while he does the deed.  I mean, isn't that like cheating!?!  So for the first, and ONLY time in my life, I permitted a camcorder in the bedroom and donned a sexy neglige with the obligatory knee-high, stripey socks (Hubbs has a thing for stripey socks, and no, that is not me in the pic!).  I'll spare you the details (she hears an overwhelming sigh of relief from the audience) but suffice to say that Hubbs is very very pleased with the performance and is now more confident that he can overcome stage fright on the day.  And at least I'll know his swimmers have me in mind as they hit the cup with a shuddering thud! 

Husband's Perspective - 06/17/10 – The Driest Throat In Town

One sacrifice that I agreed to make was to fore-go beer until after my sample is collected. And that’s a tough one. I have two bottles of Stone Brewing’s finest sitting in the fridge, waiting for their caps to be popped, and I can’t touch them until some time next week. I guess it’s a small price to pay in exchange for a bouncing Bumble, but my throat is so dry!

Husband's Perspective - 06/15/10 – A Different Type Of Shot

It’s hard to believe that after four days of mixing and dispensing shots, I’m becoming used to doing something that I had never tried before, especially something as involved as injecting drugs.

Anyway, there are weightier matters to be considered, because at some point next week I will have to step up to the plate and deliver my half of the magical mix. That’s right – it will be “Shoot Into A Cup” time! Yesterday, Wifey read some horror stories on the web about guys being asked to do their business in seedy, musty-smelling rooms with worn sofas, sticky magazines and dodgy video selections, and paper thin walls that allow anyone to hear a pin drop on either side. The local facility is still fairly new, so I hope that conditions will be a little more conducive to providing a good sample. The pressure will be on, and I won’t have the benefit of a helping hand from Wifey. So the big question is, do I take a chance that the facility will provide suitable reading and viewing material, or should I take my own so that I know I’m going to be getting a quality product to help me produce a quality product?

Didn’t think I would be wrestling with questions like these when we started the process.

The week before retrieval

So I'm now about a week away until retrieval.  I'm actually getting used to the stim medication and finding the morning Follistim to be a piece of cake; a very bland, stale cake with a sour aftertaste.  The Menopur shots are still a little stingy but the more I have, the easier it gets and I guess my body is getting used to the hormones being pumped into it, as I've not had a splitting headache for the last few nights...woohoo :)  I'm also sporting a beautiful bruise on my belly which is now evolving into a rather spectacular shade of Highlighter Yellow.  This is my prize for Hubbs' first 'shot' at giving me my Menopur injection.  All it needs is a little rosette! 


My ultrasounds and blood tests have been going according to plan; at least that is what they are telling me.  Today's ultrasound showed about 5 good sized follies each side, with some smaller ones which may or may not develop in time.  That number seems low to me, but again, lots of reassurance from the Doctor.   Hmmm, maybe they are just sounding positive so I don't worry.  Well guess what, I'm still a little worried...okay not so much worried, but concerned.  But hey, it is what it is, right!  I figure if they were really worried they'd amp up my dosage or cancel this cycle, so I'll take it as a good sign and try to keep my thoughts on the positive side...for now ;)  Anyway, the plan is for me to start Ganirelix this Sunday and drop back in next Monday to see if the follies are at the optimal size, with the hope that by mid to late next week I'll be in there for retrieval...yikes! 

Headaches and Another Interesting Side Effect

Was not looking forward to round two of the Menopur shots yesterday evening.  Besides already starting to feel like an over-sized pin cushion I couldn't get out of my head just how much the last one hurt like hell.  Hubbs kept trying to assure me that he would be more prepared and not hurt me this time but still that feeling of dread was overwhelming.  We agreed to try it with me lying on the couch again but this time he'd kneel beside me to administer the injection.  Ok, I'll admit I'm kinda enjoying the "waiting on me hand and foot" aspect to this whole malarkey but I could still do without the pinching and prodding.

I lay down and decided to bury my head in one of the couch cushions figuring at least I'd have something to bite into if it all went wrong!  Alright so it wasn't that bad, it still smarts and I'd take another shot of Follistim over this one any day, but it wasn't the agony of last night's performance.  Good job Hubbs :)

I've noticed two side-effects so far; one awful and the other rather wonderful: 
1) Blinding headaches that linger all night about an hour or so after taking the Menopur shots.  Can't wait for my next acupuncture appointment! 
2) Maybe this is just coincidence and it's certainly TMI, but I was taught to share so I will.  I found out last night that I am suddenly hyper sensitive in certain areas.  Ironic considering our current route to conceive will have nothing to do with our bedroom performance but hey, I'll take the good with the bad ;)

Husband's Perspective - 06/13/10 – The Second Shot – Take Two!

After yesterday’s fiasco, I took a little more time on the prep for today’s Menopur shot. As the shot clock ticked out on Lakers in Game 5 of the NBA Finals, the time on Wifey’s shot clock didn’t seem quite as daunting.

I set out all of the meds, needles, etc as I did yesterday, but today I removed the second needle from the packaging first, then popped the caps on the vials, then opened the Q-cap and threw out the paper cover but not the plastic tray. With everything lined up nicely, the transition from vial to vial and to final syringe was a lot smoother.

Wifey was a lot more tense for the shot tonight, expecting it to hurt as much as yesterday. But I took a different angle for the shot, kneeling beside her rather than looming over her, and it seemed to help. She hid her head under one of the sofa cushions, and the shot was over before she really noticed. I was able to depress the plunger on the syringe a lot more easily, and felt more comfortable working at the new angle. This one bled a little as I removed the syringe, but luckily I was ready with cotton wool ball and surgical tape.  I felt a little nervous that I hadn’t dropped anything during the procedure, which might be a bad omen, so I dropped my pants at the end to appease the fertility spirits ;-)

The Second Shot & Big Girl's Panties

So all day I had been trying to forget about the fact that this very evening would be the first of my Menopur shots. Admittedly, the Follistim shot had gone surprisingly well this morning and at most I felt a pinch. I am wondering if I ever felt the Follistim injection at all and that the pinch feeling that I felt was in fact that, Hubbs pinching me as instructed on the directions. Curious to know whether this pinching process is actually required. But if that's the worst I have to feel for the morning shots I'm mightily relieved as I am NOT a good, morning person and need as little pain and aggravation first thing, as possible. Or else!

So back to this evening's shot. Menopur. What the hell is this one for again anyway? Another one to stim my follies, wow couldn't we just hook up a giant vibrator to my belly? I bet it would feel much better and stim the heck out of my follies, and much more besides ;) I digress. Wait, I'm liking this digression, must I really come back to the reality of the Menopur shot. "sigh"

We had popped in a light-hearted movie about cooking, ah food, that should serve as a good distraction! Not long into it I realized that the dreaded hour for the shot was upon us, and so the movie was put on pause. Hubbs took off upstairs to open his cupboard of "delights", put on his Doctor's uniform (now there's a fantasy) and prep for the first of my Menopur shots. Meanwhile, I dug out the ice pack from the freezer, grabbed a blanket and lay down on the sofa with ice pack numbing my belly and the blanket doing it's best to keep everything else warm. What seemed like ten minutes passed and I started to wonder what was taking so long. "Everything OK up there?"..."Oh sure" I heard in reply. Hmmm.

A few minutes later I heard Hubbs come down the stairs and so I turned to face the back of the couch so I wouldn't see the torture device and at the same time grasped the couch cushions firmly. I know I know, I'm supposed to relax but needles are needles, and they bite!

Do they ever!!! Hubbs said ok and I suppose he had started inserting the needle because all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain. Holy Cow! As Hubbs was apologizing profusely, mumbling something about putting it in at a weird angle and leaning over me not helping, all I could think was that if this one hurt this badly, what the hell will the PIO shot be like!?! I mean, from all the blogs I've read, that's the killer, the one to fear. And to think before we found out that TTC wasn't a walk in the park, I actually feared the pain of pregnancy...we aren't even there yet! Ah such is life.

But you know what, I'm a big girl! A big girl with big girl's panties...and I'm not going to get them into a twist over a silly needle. No I'm not!

Husband's Perspective - 6/12/10 – The Second Shot – not so smooth!

Mixing up the Menopur shot this evening was an adventure. I laid out all of the vials, needles, swabs, syringe and Q-cap in preparation.

Step 1 – remove the 1.5” 18 gauge needle from the syringe. Holy cow! You could drive a truck down the middle of that thing and not touch the sides.

Step 2 – remove the Q-cap from the package and drop it on the floor. Not sure that was in the instructions.

Step 3 – clean the Q-cap with a swab, then drop the swab on the floor. I’m starting to notice a trend here!

Step 4 – Use the Q-cap to draw 1ml of saline from the first vial. Took some effort to remove the caps from the vials, but I got that done without dropping anything.

Step 5 – Mix the 1ml saline into the two vials of Menopur. And I haven’t dropped anything for the last two steps – looking good!

Step 6 – OK, this is where I should have planned ahead. I now have a syringe containing 1ml of saline mixed with two shots of Menopur. And a Q-cap on the end. I need to remove the Q-cap and fit a smaller needle, but I just dropped the packaging for the Q-cap in the trash can, and I haven’t opened the packaging for the needle. If I put the syringe down with the Q-cap on it, I may contaminate everything. And if I remove the Q-cap, the liquid will drain out if I don’t keep the syringe upright. So holding the syringe tightly between two fingers, I use the rest of my fingers to pry open the needle packaging, and manage to swap the Q-cap for the needle. I’m going to have to rethink the logistics on this one before tomorrow night!

Step 7 – Stick the needle in wifey’s belly. This one proved troublesome, as she chose to lie on the sofa and ice her belly to numb everything before the jab. I bent over her and slid in the needle, but as I depressed the plunger on the syringe, I applied a little too much force, causing major discomfort. Something else that needs to be improved on tomorrow.

Husband's Perspective – The First Shot

I think it’s time to open Doctor’s Cabinet of Pharmaceutical Delights! This reminds me of the scene in Trainspotting, when Renton enters a heroin den and is asked by a drug dealer if he would care for an appetizer from the menu. “No thank you”, says Renton, “I think I will just go straight to the intravenous injection of hard drugs, please.”

Today is day one of the 10-15 day medication cycle that will require morning and evening injections.

The morning injections of Follistim are made in the abdomen using a rather ingenious “pen” system, where a cartridge of medication is placed in a pen-like device and used for multiple shots using disposable needles. The pen has a dial that is used to determine how much medication is injected each time. Quite a clever system.

The afternoon injections of Menopur are a little more complex. They involve drawing 1cc of saline into a syringe, then pumping that saline into a vial containing powdered Menopur, mixing and drawing the mixture back into the syringe. Two vials are mixed like this, and then injected into the abdomen.

The first Follistim injection this morning went smoothly. Lots of prep work to get the sharps disposer, swabs, pen, needle, cartridge, Arnica cream (to reduce bruising), cold pack (to numb the site before injection), heat pack (to warm things up after the injection) and cotton wall ball to stem the trickle of blood. Phew! I feel like a lab technician already. All of that build up to a few seconds of injection and we are all done. Lots of fuss, but according to Wifey, not much pain.

Is it time for the USA-England soccer game yet?

Husband's Perspective - 06/09/10 – The Big Gamble

It played out like a scene from a James Bond movie. Wearing an immaculately cut tuxedo, I strolled across the casino floor towards the roulette table, a gorgeous blonde by my side, and took my position at the table. After some opening banter with the croupier, I slid my chips on to the mat saying “Half on red, the rest on black”. At least, that was what it felt like in my head. In reality, I was standing at the counter of the fertility clinic, but the bet I was placing was just as significant. Half on the blue credit card, the rest on the silver credit card, and if our number comes up, we win a new baby.

One of the drawbacks of going through IVF is that you are exposed to the total stupidity of the US health insurance industry. Our health insurer has a contract with our fertility clinic, and covers a large proportion of the cost of the fertility treatment. This is rare, and was one of the main reasons that we decided to give this a shot. But our health insurer does not have a contract with our fertility clinic's lab, so we have one deductible for in-network fertility treatment, and another deductible for out-of-network lab work. Wifey will need to come to the clinic once a week for ultrasound checks, and needs to have blood drawn and analyzed on the same day to check hormone levels. We could do the blood work at our local lab place as they are in-network. But that would mean a 7am visit to the lab for blood work and then driving for miles to the fertility clinic for the ultrasound on the same morning, all just to save a few dollars. Why do the insurance companies make things so complicated?

We ran into similar issues with the pharmacy insurance provider. IVF treatment involves a lot of medication, and I now have a cupboard in my study that would not look out of place at Walgreens – needles, meds, swabs, sharps disposal container. The fertility clinic had sent our prescriptions to their pharmacy for processing, but on our first visit to the pharmacy, we were told that our payment would be several thousand dollars, as the pharmacy insurer required pre-approval for the order. I don’t get this – if the doctor sends a prescription to the pharmacy, why would the insurer also need to approve the script? The crazy thing is that, once they had wasted a few days going backwards and forwards with the clinic and the pharmacy, the insurer approved everything and our payment was much lower than we had originally expected. So with a large paper bag full of syringes, needles and strange looking medications (please don’t let me get pulled over by the police on the way home!) we set off for home.

Husband's Perspective - 6/8/10 - The Last Pill

So my Hubbs has been writing a personal blog on our IVF journey and ok'd for me to share some of his ramblings here:

06/08/10 – The Last Pill

One of the strange contradictions of IVF is that you have to take birth control pills as part of the process of getting pregnant. It helps to shut down the reproductive cycle in a controlled way before we start hormone injections and ramp things up from a known point, but the whole thing feels vaguely wrong. Today was the last day of oral contraceptives, so that’s our first milestone passed.

The good needles

The plus side of this whole process has been discovering the bliss of acupuncture. Yes, you heard right, and this coming from the gal who fears needles. For anyone who hasn't tried it, really it's quite sensational. As well as working on making my belly nice, warm and gooey to entice our bumble to implant, my acupuncturist has been addressing some other complaints which I've had for some time. The main one being Migraines. I've suffered from them for as long as I can remember and they are mainly brought on around ovulation and the joyous time of AF. Three day killers that lock up my neck and make my right eyeball feel like it's in a vice. Seriously, like having a period isn't enough grief without the added pain, nice! Since I started acupuncture I've skipped the migraine usually around time of Ovulation - way cool :) I also feel blissed out immediately after my appointments, which has got to be helping to reduce my stress levels. I'm a worrier and I'm sure this hasn't helped our efforts to TTC, so I'll take anything that aids in calming me down and chilling me out. Cool beans ;)

Bracing for the 1st round of Meds

Finished the birth control pill three days ago and am now bracing for tomorrow's introduction to the joys of IVF medications *sigh*. Hubbs is like a kid in a candy store with all those packets of meds, needles and other torturous looking devices. Literally, he keeps opening the cupboard where they are stored and eyeing them gleefully. Me being petrified of needles will be closing my eyes and hoping for as little pain as possible. Hubbs will no doubt be wearing a huge smile, perhaps even letting out an evil laugh as he preps and inserts aforesaid torture into various parts of my body. The worst of course, is yet to come in the form of the dreaded PIO (Progesterone in Oil). Oh the horror stories I have read about the pain associated with this procedure. I guess I will find out soon enough if my poor butt will withstand that 1.5" needle filled with nasty viscous goo. But for now, I am going to focus on getting over the morning Follistim shots which look harmless enough, but perhaps I'm deluding myself. Then in the evening, it will be the rather complicated concoction of Menopur; thank god Hubbs is handling the prep, I think I would mess it up or break the needles, accidentally on purpose ;)

Seven years to...pre-IVF

Seven years ago I met the love of my life. We found each other online and after months of emails and IM's, we finally plucked up the courage to meet in person. As cheesy as it sounds it was love at first sight, and after a few dates we knew we had hit the jackpot and so decided to move in together. Living with us are two furry kids, red-heads with big wet noses who keep us on our toes but even with them we feel like our family is not yet complete.

Our journey to try and conceive started four years ago. Having never tried getting pregnant I had no idea what was in store although naively assumed it would just be a case of getting the birth control out of my system and getting up the duff. Ha ha!!

A year and a half ago we were surprised to learn that we were pregnant; by this point we'd figured it wasn't going to happen. Thrilled, we started scouring the baby stores planning for the baby room, but sadly suffered an early miscarriage. This was very tough emotionally and took me a while to comprehend. At the time I felt it was like a cruel joke; I had mentally prepared myself for not having a baby and then I got pregnant. If it wasn't meant to be why did this have to happen to us!?! Now I look back and realize that maybe it was the kick in the butt we needed to really get serious about trying for a baby. Up until that point I hadn't even charted my temps so we really were leaving a lot to chance, and with our age range that was plain silly. So we got ourselves to a fertility specialist to try and find out what was going on.

A year later and after months of Clomid with no luck, we now know that my FSH levels are pretty good at 6 (considering I am just over 40), other blood tests are all normal (aside from low levels of Vitamin D but I am taking supplements now to help out as the weather won't cooperate!!), my uterus looks good, follicle count hanging in there at 11, and so overall the likelihood is that my eggs are probably suffering from a little wear and tear from my # of days on this planet. Hubbs is producing a staggering amount of swimmers but again, higher mileage means a little morphology and motility issues...time for an oil change perhaps ;)

Reality is that while we could try IUI to help get those swimmers home to Mama, time is not on our side and so we felt it was worth trying IVF. Thankfully, our insurance covers some of the astronomical fees for this procedure. So here we are, just about to embark on our one and only (unless we win the lottery) cycle of IVF. Yeah we know, most folks need several goes at spinning the wheel but for now, one sounds like a good number to us, both emotionally and financially.