Moving On From IVF

It's been a tough year and one I care not to repeat.  I've been lax in writing to my blog, but felt with 2010 drawing to an end it was time to post an update.

After the ectopic episode, Hubbs and I jumped straight back into IVF and had 8 frozen embies thawed.  Our hopes were high to transfer 4 of the best ones as we knew this was the last time we planned to go through an IVF treatment.  Many reasons brought us to this decision.  In part it was financial, but mainly I was done with being an emotional wreck, keeping our hopes up and life on hold, and may it be said, it is no fun being a living pin cushion!

The FET process was much smoother and easier on me than the fresh cycle.  No Menopurevil and no painful egg retrieval.  Sadly out of the 8 embies, most failed to grow and we ended up with 3 poor grade morulas at Day 6!  Still there was a chance one might take and so we went for it with all our fingers and toes crossed.  The dreaded 2ww over Christmas came and went.  Then the day of the Beta test.  Last time we were both pretty optimistic..and it was a crushing blow when we got the BFN.  This time we prepared for the worst.  It made it easier when we got the results and once again, it was a BFN.  I surprised myself at how together and composed I felt shortly after...but later that day I had a good weep.  I think I was mourning...mourning that even though I am a woman, this body of mine is unlikely to ever know what it feels like to grow a child inside of me, to experience the joys and lets face it the pain of childbirth.  I may never look upon my child's face and see myself and my Hubbs reflected back.  These things I may never experience and for this, I weep.

So why give up you may ask?  There comes a time in your heart when you know you are done, when it almost becomes a relief to say it's time to move on.  This happens at different times for all of us and I think it's a very personal decision.  For those who continue to keep trying, I have nothing but admiration for you and will continue to wish you all the best.  No one deserves to go through the disappointment and emotional rollercoaster of not only TTC but actually getting far enough to have a healthy baby.  I think a little piece of me will always live in the hope that somehow, someway, nature will find a way to bring a successful pregnancy into our lives.  But I can't live everyday clinging desperately to that hope...because at the moment it feels like I've been holding on too tightly, strangling it, suffocating hope and myself, and that just isn't a healthy way to live.  So we are moving on.

We will be contacting our local DSHS and opening our home to a foster child.  I won't lie it's a scary path filled with lots of unknowns and probably more heartache, but for some reason it feels like the right thing to do.  Maybe through this experience we'll find a forever child, one that makes me say what I've heard many adopted parents say...."We are glad we couldn't have a biological child as we would never have known the joy of our adopted son/daughter."  I would like to think that could be us one day.  It fills me with a new sense of hope, a healthier one hopefully, and one that no matter the outcome, brings much more to our lives than we ever could have imagined, or dare I say, hoped for!

Here's to 2011 and lots of new beginnings for each and every one of us!