Life Sucks!

You can probably guess already that our Beta results came back with a BFFN (Big Fat Fucking Negative)!

I am so angry at life right now!  Seriously, it all feels like some sick, cruel joke.   

Tonight, I will be drowning my sorrows with several Margaritas, tons of cheese and anything else high fat and totally unhealthy.  After that, who knows.  I need time to heal from yet another disappointment on this IF journey.  We have 11 embryos on ice, so maybe we will try again.  But right now, I almost wish they weren't there so I could just close the chapter on TTC once and for all.  I'm really sick of spending my life hoping, wishing, being pumped full of hormones and looking for positive signs and symptoms.  I want to enjoy life again for each day that it brings, and not live on this constant roller-coaster.

I think I'll plan the trip to see my brother and spend some time with him as he deals with his lot in life.  Compared to his problems mine are totally insignificant, I mean, it's not like I am dying from IF.  Well maybe a little of my heart dies each time we get let down...but it's nothing like cancer.

And you know what, I have my Hubbs.  My dear, wonderful, loving Hubbs who is the best rock a girl could have in times like these.  Today marks seven years from the day we first met.  I will shed my tears and then go out with the love of my life, and try to put off worrying about the stupidity and cruelty of IF for another day. 

This 2ww really bites!

Lately, I've read some really sad results from fellow bloggers after their Beta tests.  My heart really goes out to them.  *Hugs*

I don't have much to report on during the second week of my 2ww.  Really it's been about just trying to pass the time.  I've been a good girl and not done a POAS or taken my basal temp.  I don't want to feed myself with false positive or false negative vibes before the beta test.  Besides, Hubbs has been strict about not letting me psyche myself out one way or another.   Damn him and his self-control!


Some days I have felt optimistic and other days, well honestly I have just been planning for the worst.  Much of my optimism or negativity really depends on what symptoms, or lack thereof, I have had at the time.  Today is a better day as I feel nauseous...I'd say I'm about 70% positive of a good outcome.  Tomorrow, oh I'll probably have no nausea and be back down to around 40% or less.  I feel like a human yo-yo! 

In other news, I am currently suffering from about 6-7 nasty mosquito bites.  The pesky bugs are out in force this year because of way too much rain and a sudden hot spell.  I am allergic to the bites so suffer horrible swelling around the bite site.  I feel like I have anthills all over my body - how nice!  Just in case one or more of my bumbles is actually sticking around, I did some internet research to find out what pregnant women can use to ease the itching, and also to repel the little flying bloodsuckers from landing in the first place.  Deet proved to be questionable, so I decided to try Calamine lotion and a Benadryl cream.  Tried the Benadryl first, not bad, but it seemed like the Calamine might be safer so have decided to stick with that instead.  I also found a natural ingredient, kid-friendly spray to put on before our evening jaunts in the suburban jungle and only got one little new bite instead of the swarm that attacked the night before.  It had seemed like a great idea to take the shot at 7:30pm and walk the dogs after to reduce lumpy bottom syndrome and give us all some exercise.  Not so much now!  It has turned in to a ritual of bending over the bed for the obligatory shot in the butt, then donning long pants, long sleeves and spraying myself in a sticky, oily repellent.  And yes, it IS repellent!!  During the walk I can't fully relax as I am constantly fending off the persistent mosquitoes who fly around me trying to find a fresh piece of skin to bite.  Poor dogs barely have time to squat and squeeze before we are hurrying them to move along.  Then, back at home, straight into the shower to wash off the sweat from the excess of clothing in 90 degree heat and the oily residue from the messy insect repellent.

Seriously, I'm starting to think that a lumpy bottom might not be so bad after all!

Nightmares of a 2ww

I really need to get a new head!  One that doesn't dwell on stuff and scare the crap outta me or my bumbles.  

For the last couple of nights I've been suffering from what I call 2ww nightmares.  The first was a bizarre dream that had me performing in a Prince video and it was really turning me on (Prince in a sexual dream, I told you it was a nightmare!!).  Anyway I woke myself up in a panic as we had strict instructions for me not to orgasm during the 2ww.  When I awoke I had strong cramps.  Nooooo! 

Another nightmare involved me waking up to find blood all over my pajamas.  Charming!!
  
And last night, I dreamt I had to go to the doctor (not my usual one) and when I told him I'd just had IVF he said outright..."you know they'll all die don't you".  I was stunned at first, and then got really really angry.  I yelled back at him, "How dare you say that, I have hope, you don't know what you are talking about!".

Holy shit, what is my mind trying to do to me and my little bumbles?  Am I that messed up in the head (you don't have to answer that!)?  And there was me thinking I was being positive about this IVF cycle. Hmm, I guess my subconscious is out to try and prove me wrong.  Anyone else experiencing nightmares or had this happen during the 2ww?

On the positive side of things, I've got tender boobies.  I've read that can just be a side effect of progesterone but still, it might not be. I've also been up every night peeing which doesn't usually happen very often, and during the day we are having to visit every store bathroom when out & about.  Isn't it a bit early to be having a weak bladder?  On top of that I've been having mild cramps and twinges.  Nothing major other than that one night after the Prince video.  Note to self, the bumbles aren't digging Prince!

So despite my silly nightmares I'm trying to focus on staying positive during this cruel 2ww.  I know that the signs might not be attributed to the bumbles snuggling in and calling my belly home for the next 9 months, but I'm still holding out hope.  In the end, what will be will be, and we'll find out on July 12 if the signs were all pointing in the right direction.

In the meantime, a restful night's sleep is on order!  

Husband's Perspective - 06/27/10 – Old McDonald gave some shots, P I, PIO!

The first PIO shot this evening was an entertaining experience. Wifey’s backside was marked up by the nurses, and after icing up, she was bent over the side of the bed to give me a clear target. I extracted the PIO shot from the vial, and changed to the smaller needle for the shot – Wifey tells me that this part is very important. So I’m getting ready to administer the shot, and start by wiping with the alcohol swab. Wifey then gets up and starts pacing around the room, almost hyperventilating, telling me how scared she is of this shot as she has read so many horror stories on the web. Curse you, internet! Finally, after about 15 minutes of agonizing over the expected outcome, she assumes the position, and the shot is done before she knows it. The needle looks long (1.5 inches) but slides in nicely. The sesame oil is not too heavy, so the shot pumps in without a lot of effort. And it doesn’t sting like the Menopur, which is a bonus. I just hope we don’t have the 15-minute prelude every night! Decided to take the dogs for a long walk after the shot, which seems to help Wifey, as there is no stiffness in the backside afterwards.

Only Time

Today has not been a good day!  I got a call from my Mom, and found out some really sad, heartbreaking news about my big brother.  He has cancer which has spread to his liver, kidneys and possibly his lungs.  The prospects are not good and they don't know how long he has.  I tried to keep calm when Mom was telling me over the phone but couldn't keep it together and lost it.  As I was sobbing into the couch I kept thinking about my bumbles and trying to calm down but the sorrow over my brother was just too strong.  It may sound silly but after the call I kept apologizing to my bumbles and saying I would try and take good care of them, but to please hang in there.  Then I'd lose it again, breaking down and getting upset.  So much for staying stress-free! 

My family don't know that we are trying IVF and this is certainly not the time to tell them.  We planned to say something when we have good news, so we would avoid constant questions along the way.  Well now I'm worried about the days ahead.  Will my brother make it?  If I do get pregnant, how will I cope with the long flight (my family live overseas) and stress of seeing my brother knowing he may not be with us long, and then....oh, I can't go there...this is so unfair!  Sorry, didn't mean to drag you into all of this.  Sadly it is a part of my life right now and one I must deal with, and let's face it there is NEVER a good time for this kind of news.  Is it selfish of me to feel torn between wanting to be with my brother and wanting to stay here and protect my bumbles as they try and grow?  I don't know what to think.  I guess as it's early days, for now we'll do the 2 week wait and see what the results are from the pregnancy test.  Then we can figure out how we manage keeping me as stress free as possible while still being there for my brother as he deals with this horrible disease. 

Lately a song keeps coming to mind, Enya's - Only Time:

Who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time
And who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
Who can say
why your heart sighs
as your love flies
only time
And who can say
why your heart cries
when your love lies
only time

Who can say
when the roads meet
that love might be
in your heart
And who can say
when the day sleeps
if the night keeps
all your heart

Night keeps all your heart

Who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
And who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time

Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time

It's a sign!

Last I left off we were waiting to find out the progress of our bumbles after egg retrieval.  On Saturday we heard from the Doc who said that out of the 20 retrieved, 17 were mature and 14 fertilized.  We were thrilled with this news!

Sunday was the first of my Progesterone shots.  Boy, did I act like a 5 year old in the minutes leading up to the injection.  Seriously, I was half-crying, half-laughing hysterically and running around the room trying to avoid having to "assume the position".  We had planned to do the shots at 7pm but after my dramatics prior to the shot, it actually ended up being 7:30pm before I finally quit being a petulant 5 yr-old and let Hubbs administer the shot.  All in all, it wasn't half as bad as I expected it to be.  It ended up hurting less than the Menopur shots which stung every time.  Ok, so it did feel like Hubbs had punched me in the butt, but being prone to easily bruising I can handle a dull aching sensation; stings - not so much!  After the shot we took the dogs for a walk as I'd read somewhere that walking can help move the progesterone around to avoid lumpy bottom syndrome.  Well the dogs needed walking anyway and it felt good to stretch my legs after my temper tantrum earlier.  As we were on our walk, we looked up in the sky and saw a ....wait for it....STORK.  No kidding!  We both grinned from ear to ear thinking this was a good sign, especially the night before Transfer.

Monday morning there was no call from the clinic to cancel so we went in for BT...Bumble Transfer.  Waiting in reception was my acupuncturist all ready to help me get relaxed before the procedure.   After some time we finally got set up in the procedure room and Acupuncturist started work on making me feel nice and relaxed.  This would have been an easier task if I hadn't had an overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom.  Now fair enough, me having a full bladder was necessary for the procedure but it sure made the relaxing process hard work.  Then folks started gathering in preparation for the transfer so acupuncturist de-needled me, and went to get Hubbs who had been catching up with work on his laptop in a quiet area of the lobby.  Hubbs arrived and the Doc went over our results.  Of the 14 that fertilized over the weekend, we still had a healthy batch of 14!!  Woohoo, those little fighters are hanging in there :)  Doc showed us their cell splits and grades which was a little overwhelming but overall looked great.  Then it was time to lie back, try not to pee all over the place, and welcome 3 of my "babies" home.  The other 11 packed their bags ready for an extended trip to Iceland.  The transfer went smoothly and we watched them settle in to their new digs.  I asked if we got pictures of them as cells but sadly they don't do that at our clinic so instead the Doc took a pic of the ultrasound with the 3 of them saying cheese at the camera.  After the transfer, I had another hour of acupuncture, by which point I was literally busting to go to the bathroom, but like a good Mom, put my babies first and lay back to rest until the acupuncture was over.  Then, ah, blissful relief!  Hey I did warn you that I was taught to share ;)  Oh, and another one of those good signs arrived as the nurse asked us to come back in on 7/12 for our blood pregnancy test.  That date is exactly 7 years since the day Hubbs and I first met in person.  Loving these positive vibes :)

When I got home I took it really easy, spending most of the day on the couch watching mindless shows, and cuddling my belly while talking away to the bumbles.

Husband's Perspective - 06/25/10 – Is it better to give than to retrieve?

Early start this morning- up at 5:30am for our 7:30am check in at the clinic. Or should I say, for Wifey to check in for retrieval. My part wasn’t scheduled until 9am, so I had 90 minutes to kill. I took out my laptop, connected to the free wifi provided by the clinic, and started working on some reports. Then I realized that I was cooking my swimmers between the heat of the laptop and the warm surface of the chair. So I spent over an hour perched on the edge of the chair, with my laptop perched on my knees – about as far from my tackle as I could manage. After a very long wait, I was finally escorted to a small room to do my business. The room was clean, with dimmable lighting and a hatch in the corner in which to place my little cup of love. Not the most comfortable of environments, with two hard plastic chairs and a sink, under which was a stash of “materials” as the nurse called them. I took a quick peek out of curiosity – a small pile of well thumbed Playboy and Penthouse magazines, with torn covers and stuck together pages – ewww! Luckily I didn’t need any of their assistance, as I had something much nicer to get me in the mood. 10 minutes later and I was done and deposited – go for it my little swimmers! Last one to the egg is a sissy!