Back Home Again

Well it sure has been a long time since I wrote an update.  Sorry for disappearing like that but I didn't even want to think about blogging after my BFN.  I just needed time to heal from the emotional wounds.

Since that last blog I have taken an extended trip to see my brother, so I could spend some quality time with him.  It was good to see him using humor as a coping mechanism.  He made jokes about funeral directors calling to arrange a suitable date, and wore a t-shirt that says, "What's the Worst that can Happen?".  Morbid...maybe so, but you know, it is totally in keeping with our family's warped sense of humor.  And it sure beats moping around and a "woe is me" pity party, which I was guilty of after my 1st IVF treatment failed.  So kudos to my brother for having a great attitude in spite of the horrible crap that is ahead of him.  Seeing him, it's hard to believe just how bad his cancer is, as he looks pretty good health-wise.  At times you could tell he was in a lot of pain, but my big bro always tried to hide it.  He's a brave man.  But the facts are there and the word "terminal" isn't going away.  The bright side is that he has achieved a lot in his life; he is a loving Dad and a good, faithful husband - all the things that really matter!  Yep, I really enjoyed spending time with him and his family, helping out in the garden and just hanging out, hopefully being a distraction from his illness.  I also got to spend some quality time with my sister.  We haven't always been that close but this trip changed that.  She has become such a good friend and we were able to share so many deep conversations, especially during our long walks "home" after visits with my brother.  This trip was about building good memories to last a lifetime, I'm happy to report that was a mission accomplished.

The hardest part of the trip was being away from my Hubbs for so long.  Work commitments had him holding down the fort at home.  It was the longest we have ever been away from each other but thanks to the wonders of the internet we were able to keep in touch daily via email and Skype.  Gotta love technology, but gotta admit, I love Hubbs more :D

So I'm finally back in my home sweet home with my nearest and dearest.  I promise I will be writing again soon, as I have more news to share... ... ...

Only Time

Today has not been a good day!  I got a call from my Mom, and found out some really sad, heartbreaking news about my big brother.  He has cancer which has spread to his liver, kidneys and possibly his lungs.  The prospects are not good and they don't know how long he has.  I tried to keep calm when Mom was telling me over the phone but couldn't keep it together and lost it.  As I was sobbing into the couch I kept thinking about my bumbles and trying to calm down but the sorrow over my brother was just too strong.  It may sound silly but after the call I kept apologizing to my bumbles and saying I would try and take good care of them, but to please hang in there.  Then I'd lose it again, breaking down and getting upset.  So much for staying stress-free! 

My family don't know that we are trying IVF and this is certainly not the time to tell them.  We planned to say something when we have good news, so we would avoid constant questions along the way.  Well now I'm worried about the days ahead.  Will my brother make it?  If I do get pregnant, how will I cope with the long flight (my family live overseas) and stress of seeing my brother knowing he may not be with us long, and then....oh, I can't go there...this is so unfair!  Sorry, didn't mean to drag you into all of this.  Sadly it is a part of my life right now and one I must deal with, and let's face it there is NEVER a good time for this kind of news.  Is it selfish of me to feel torn between wanting to be with my brother and wanting to stay here and protect my bumbles as they try and grow?  I don't know what to think.  I guess as it's early days, for now we'll do the 2 week wait and see what the results are from the pregnancy test.  Then we can figure out how we manage keeping me as stress free as possible while still being there for my brother as he deals with this horrible disease. 

Lately a song keeps coming to mind, Enya's - Only Time:

Who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time
And who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
Who can say
why your heart sighs
as your love flies
only time
And who can say
why your heart cries
when your love lies
only time

Who can say
when the roads meet
that love might be
in your heart
And who can say
when the day sleeps
if the night keeps
all your heart

Night keeps all your heart

Who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
only time
And who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
only time

Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time