Moving On From IVF

It's been a tough year and one I care not to repeat.  I've been lax in writing to my blog, but felt with 2010 drawing to an end it was time to post an update.

After the ectopic episode, Hubbs and I jumped straight back into IVF and had 8 frozen embies thawed.  Our hopes were high to transfer 4 of the best ones as we knew this was the last time we planned to go through an IVF treatment.  Many reasons brought us to this decision.  In part it was financial, but mainly I was done with being an emotional wreck, keeping our hopes up and life on hold, and may it be said, it is no fun being a living pin cushion!

The FET process was much smoother and easier on me than the fresh cycle.  No Menopurevil and no painful egg retrieval.  Sadly out of the 8 embies, most failed to grow and we ended up with 3 poor grade morulas at Day 6!  Still there was a chance one might take and so we went for it with all our fingers and toes crossed.  The dreaded 2ww over Christmas came and went.  Then the day of the Beta test.  Last time we were both pretty optimistic..and it was a crushing blow when we got the BFN.  This time we prepared for the worst.  It made it easier when we got the results and once again, it was a BFN.  I surprised myself at how together and composed I felt shortly after...but later that day I had a good weep.  I think I was mourning...mourning that even though I am a woman, this body of mine is unlikely to ever know what it feels like to grow a child inside of me, to experience the joys and lets face it the pain of childbirth.  I may never look upon my child's face and see myself and my Hubbs reflected back.  These things I may never experience and for this, I weep.

So why give up you may ask?  There comes a time in your heart when you know you are done, when it almost becomes a relief to say it's time to move on.  This happens at different times for all of us and I think it's a very personal decision.  For those who continue to keep trying, I have nothing but admiration for you and will continue to wish you all the best.  No one deserves to go through the disappointment and emotional rollercoaster of not only TTC but actually getting far enough to have a healthy baby.  I think a little piece of me will always live in the hope that somehow, someway, nature will find a way to bring a successful pregnancy into our lives.  But I can't live everyday clinging desperately to that hope...because at the moment it feels like I've been holding on too tightly, strangling it, suffocating hope and myself, and that just isn't a healthy way to live.  So we are moving on.

We will be contacting our local DSHS and opening our home to a foster child.  I won't lie it's a scary path filled with lots of unknowns and probably more heartache, but for some reason it feels like the right thing to do.  Maybe through this experience we'll find a forever child, one that makes me say what I've heard many adopted parents say...."We are glad we couldn't have a biological child as we would never have known the joy of our adopted son/daughter."  I would like to think that could be us one day.  It fills me with a new sense of hope, a healthier one hopefully, and one that no matter the outcome, brings much more to our lives than we ever could have imagined, or dare I say, hoped for!

Here's to 2011 and lots of new beginnings for each and every one of us!

A Dark Mass

Wow, so much has happened since my last blog.  Where do I start?

Let's see...we were waiting for hcg levels to drop to zero...oh that's right! 

This time early last week I started complaining of lower abdomen pains again.  Nothing major, just tweaks and pulls.  The wilderness hike didn't help and so I took it easy but after I felt really tired.  Oh and did I mention that sex was unbearable, I mean no position, nothing was without severe pain so we had to give up.  Hubbs was NOT a happy bunny. 

By about Wednesday morning I was just not feeling quite right and the niggling abdomen pains were still there so with a nudge from the Hubbs I made an appointment at my Ob Gyn.  Arrived, she poked around and was satisfied that my cervix seemed ok, but as a precaution she advised another hcg test and an ultrasound just to see if this time we could see anything.  Had to return that afternoon. 

Hubbs agreed to get time off and come to the afternoon appointment as our last ultrasound was not exactly the joyous occasion we had been hoping for so off we went.  The ultrasound tech was super nice, telling us how sad it was that couples like us weren't having any luck while she got to see tons of white-trash girls coming in pregnant and asking when they likely conceived because they aren't sure who the Father is.  Major sigh, yeah we know, life is just not fair!  She said I had beautiful insides (errr...what!) and we should wait for the doctor to go over the results. 

We were in the waiting room for about 20 minutes.  The TV aired a show detailing adopted kids 20 years on...and it felt like one of those signs again.  Ok I get it, if this baby making lark doesn't pan out I promise we'll get serious about fostering to adopt.  I fought back the tears watching the parents on the TV greet their adopted babies. How my heart yearns for a child, biologically mine or not.  I just wanna be a Mum. 

Doctor arrives and takes us aside.  They found something.  A dark mass.  Oh but the good news, my hcg levels are down to 370.

Not long after that I was taken to the Same Day Surgery at the hospital and registered for a laparoscopy that very evening.  Thank god my Hubbs was at my side.  Another 20 minutes and I was undressed, robed up and had an IV drip ready for the operation.  I was stunned, lying there thinking this was just supposed to be a check up at the OB Gyn...how did I end up here?

I woke up in the hospital at about 9:20pm.  I'd been in the operating room for about an hour and a half where they found an ectopic behind my left ovary, about 3cm long.  The left tube was damaged so they removed it.  Apparently I was incredibly lucky nothing had ruptured; one of my blood vessels was really swollen.  They also found a large lesion and several smaller ones which they suspect is Endometriosis.  They removed the lesion for biopsy (waiting for results) and burned the others.

So what started out today as a check up for some mild pains ended up in an operation and the removal of my left ovarian tube.  Oh and I might have Endometriosis.  Great!

Waiting for the magic number zero

Not much to report on, except that my hcg test result today is 5784. 

Yes it is still declining but is it me or does it seem painfully slow to flush out?  I mean, I have had nothing much miscarrying for the last couple of days so why oh why can't the hcg just stop doing its thing.  

On the bright side, it is still declining.  Finger's-crossed I think I'm through the scare.  Honestly, I am still not sure there really was an ectopic. 

Anyhoo, at this rate just a couple more weeks and I should be back to zero and the drawing board again.  Another 2ww but this time to confirm there is NO pregnancy...oh the irony.  But I will  be doing the happy dance when I reach ZERO.  And perhaps a Margarita to celebrate :)

I wonder when a natural AF will kick in, perhaps after the hcg flat-lines?  Please just be a normal period, I'm tired of being an exception.  I'm not kidding, I would happily settle for being just an average joe with predictable outcomes.  So no overachieving do you hear me body, just go with the flow next time...literally!

It's a Miscarriage!

So the weekend didn't bring agonizing pains and a rush to the ER, thankfully.  It did bring the onset of bleeding so it looks like nature is taking its course.  I have shed my tears and am now just hoping the miscarriage does its thing and we can avoid the facing the worst of the ectopic.

It's so funny how your perspective on things can change given certain circumstances.  Never did I think I would be happy to see signs of a miscarriage, be longing for zero on my hcg levels and looking forward to a normal AF cycle.  Now, throw an ectopic in the mix and the threat of methotrexate or a laparoscopy and well you get the idea, I'd take miscarriage over that any day.  It's come to this, a viable pregnancy isn't even on the books, just the choice between the worse case scenario and the other not so worse case scenario. 

Today's hcg results are promising; they are down to 9,000.  How strange to be relieved to see declining hcg levels.  Quite the change of attitude from where we were at the start of last week when we got our first positive blood test and were thrilled at the high numbers.  Such is life, or lack thereof in this case :(

Doc still talked about Methotrexate or Laparoscopy if the numbers don't continue to decline but I told her that for me Metho was not an option I even wanted to consider.  So I wait a week, take another hcg test and keep my finger's crossed that the numbers plummet. 

Why is it that in the TTC journey it always feel like a waiting game.  There is always something you have to sit and wait around for, AF cycle, Egg-white cm, mature follies, the awful 2ww, and so it goes on.  Now are in the "let's get our hcg levels to zero" waiting game, which will be followed by "let's have a normal period" waiting game, and then hopefully we can start another  with the "let's thaw some eggs, stick them in the oven and see if they cook properly" waiting game.

I just hope we win this game in the end.  I guess we'll have to WAIT and see.

Is it a girl, is it a boy, no it is an ectopic

Today's HCG results are already back in from the clinic.  The numbers are 12, 200 so at least it is going down but still a little higher than they like.  The docs have consulted and suspect an ectopic, but as the HCG levels have gone down a little they are hopeful that my body is getting rid of it naturally.  Sounds cold, but you know, I need to detach from it, whatever it was, and move on.  The docs said that they still have no idea where the little sucker is, scary huh. 

Anyways, the plan is to get through the weekend and go to ER if I have any pain, just to be on the safe side.  Otherwise, another HCG test on Monday and they may try methotrexate to help get it out of there, or worse case, it's a laparoscopy. 

Good times....(said with a large dose of Sarcasm).

You know, adoption really is looking good right now...that or a nice Harley ;)

Next stop for me...*MARGARITAVILLE*

Knife wedged in and twisted

So our glorious plan was for me to visit my bro, giving time off from TTC and then get back in the saddle when I returned and start my next cycle.  Well those frozen embies will now wait on ice a little longer.

In an ideal world this post would be my big, happy announcement to say that I'm finally pregnant.  Hmmm, where does this mythical ideal world exist!?! 

I returned from the visit to see my family and figured it should be just a couple of days then I'll be on Day 1 and can call the fertility clinic to start our FET cycle. 

At this point, it's worth mentioning that my last period was odd, really odd!  I bled for 3 more days than usual and then had about 10 days of spotting to follow.  WTF!?!  Oh well, I put it down to the stress of the visit and my body still adjusting after the IVF cycle. 

So back to this week, Day 30 hits and still no period...strange, I usually have periods every 26 days or so.  Time to POAS.  Result = a BFP....woohoo :)  Then my thoughts turn to "oh crap", what about all that booze I drank with my family, after all Hubbs was back at home so there was no chance of me being preggers that month...or so I thought.  Day 31 and another POAS with a BFP.  Now it was time to get excited, a little.  Day 32 was a visit to the doc and a blood test which revealed HCG levels of 14,632...holy moly, that makes it about 6-7 weeks along.  At last, some good news...or so I thought.

Today, Day 35 and this was the first of our ultrasound visits.  Hubbs was getting all excited but I kept asking him to calm down, that I couldn't get excited until I saw our little bumble with my own eyes.  The Ultrasound tech tried an abdominal scan and hunted around, nothing!  Ok, maybe it's earlier than we thought, so she tried a trans-vaginal scan, still nothing, nada, zip!!  Time to bring in the doctor.  Doc arrives and says he is at a loss to know what is going on.  Nothing adds up or makes sense.  His best guess is a chemical pregnancy or perhaps on further investigation that little blob in my uterus is an empty sac waiting to discharge.  Worse, maybe I am having an ectopic pregnancy; the HCG numbers taken so recently don't seem to make sense, he says.

Really....I mean, REALLY!?!

So now I sit here waiting to find out the results of the HCG test taken earlier today to see if the numbers have plummeted or are still high.  In other words, now I want to hear low HCG numbers, now I want AF to knock on the door really loudly and I'll welcome her in with open arms.  Yes, I want AF more than ever.

I don't remember ever saying that I liked rollercoasters so why am I on the longest, most unpredictable, scariest one ever built.  It's ok, really, I'd like to get off now and leave the fairground.  No, not even a candy cane or ice-cream can tempt me to stay.  I want off, NOW!

So let's hope the numbers are low and AF shows up soon.  Much better than the prospect of a laparoscopy, much much better.  Fingers-crossed xx

   

Back Home Again

Well it sure has been a long time since I wrote an update.  Sorry for disappearing like that but I didn't even want to think about blogging after my BFN.  I just needed time to heal from the emotional wounds.

Since that last blog I have taken an extended trip to see my brother, so I could spend some quality time with him.  It was good to see him using humor as a coping mechanism.  He made jokes about funeral directors calling to arrange a suitable date, and wore a t-shirt that says, "What's the Worst that can Happen?".  Morbid...maybe so, but you know, it is totally in keeping with our family's warped sense of humor.  And it sure beats moping around and a "woe is me" pity party, which I was guilty of after my 1st IVF treatment failed.  So kudos to my brother for having a great attitude in spite of the horrible crap that is ahead of him.  Seeing him, it's hard to believe just how bad his cancer is, as he looks pretty good health-wise.  At times you could tell he was in a lot of pain, but my big bro always tried to hide it.  He's a brave man.  But the facts are there and the word "terminal" isn't going away.  The bright side is that he has achieved a lot in his life; he is a loving Dad and a good, faithful husband - all the things that really matter!  Yep, I really enjoyed spending time with him and his family, helping out in the garden and just hanging out, hopefully being a distraction from his illness.  I also got to spend some quality time with my sister.  We haven't always been that close but this trip changed that.  She has become such a good friend and we were able to share so many deep conversations, especially during our long walks "home" after visits with my brother.  This trip was about building good memories to last a lifetime, I'm happy to report that was a mission accomplished.

The hardest part of the trip was being away from my Hubbs for so long.  Work commitments had him holding down the fort at home.  It was the longest we have ever been away from each other but thanks to the wonders of the internet we were able to keep in touch daily via email and Skype.  Gotta love technology, but gotta admit, I love Hubbs more :D

So I'm finally back in my home sweet home with my nearest and dearest.  I promise I will be writing again soon, as I have more news to share... ... ...